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“Rotten”

I wanted to see Mike Tyson’s one man show. Part empathy, part fascination, part justification in my attempt to be the coolest Unicorn on the block…if your block is in Compton anyway. These tickets were purchased a month ago and I was just waiting for the right dude to present himself to score the invite. … Continue reading

Are Unicorns Monogamous?

I’ve always been impressed with any species that “mates for life”. When it’s a span of a year or two like the termite…I can hang with that. Gibbons can live 40 years, Bald eagles 20+ years, wolves and swans each around 15 years- and that adds up to an impressive amount of monogamy!

There is the age-old argument that when humans (and Unicorns) had shorter life cycles and a decidedly more strenuous life, monogamy was practical. How many lovers could one really have when you died at 35 while fighting non-stop diseases, tending the crops, raising kids, cooking, mending, and generally stinking most of the time? Well, times have changed and there are all sorts of debates raging on the topic from mono to bi and poly. Haven’t we all wondered on occasion what is “right” or what is “best”? “Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to blow my husband when I don’t feel like it….and maybe she’ll help me with the laundry too?” That fantasy doesn’t last long!!

The Unicorn is not going too deep on this topic but would like to skim the surface with a single horrendous realization; “Even though a whole lot of crap comes out of my mouth, I am shocked and appalled that I seem to only like one man at a time!!” Thank goodness they don’t last long or I’d never get any variety.

Is anyone else afflicted with this problem? Is it a female thing? Please enlighten me so we can get back to the good stories!!

LA Living

Stories like this don’t only happen in LA, but the great variety of interesting characters here makes it more likely for you to have your mind blown on any given day. The Unicorn views herself as open-minded and jaded, not much makes her flinch or blush. But there are some things that you just don’t expect!

Since my pal gifted/unloaded her stray dog on me I needed to take the little rat to the vet. I haven’t been in about a year and I reached out to the doctor that I have used for years, Dr. John. When I asked to make an appointment I was told that he changed practices (and how!) and was given his new digits. Oh, okay…so I call the new place and leave a message for him. When he calls back (with the same voice he has always had) we have a lovely chat. I tell him that I think the new practice is too far for me but that I would love to take him to lunch in the near future. When I ask for his email and it starts with “Jasmine” I assume it’s some new doggie birth control. It’s not. Just before we hang up he/she tells me that she goes by Jasmine now. Well, this is going to be one interesting lunch!

Any good stories out there on the topic? Tell me!

Hi-Lo Unicorn Style

From my posts thus far you may think that I spend all of my time flat on my back with my hoofs in the air….well- not so! I have a very full life that includes; dining, shopping, beauty/spa treatments, reading, hanging with friends and caring for a fashionable filly and energetic colt. It is my deepest desire to impart hard-won Unicorn wisdom on all fronts and today I had a wonderful visit with an old friend, Target. I left with armfuls of stuff and a renewed joy for the ultimate in fashion frivolity! A few built-in bra cami’s ($8) with matching thin-knit boyfriend cardi’s ($19.99); a long flowing floral scarf in a soft, silk-like material ($14.99); an emerald-colored skinny belt ($12.99) and my spring is off to a bloomingly frugal start. Target is smart enough to rip-off runway trends then merchandise them to you in a coordinated way. Think “adult Garanamals”.

Now, please don’t be silly enough to think that I look like I shop at Target, because THAT is the trick. You must mix and match all of your Hi-Lo items in a way that people are amazed when you tell them that this or that is from Target or JCP (yes, I do JCP too!!!) You need to know your body and what looks good as well as colors that work. There are so many articles to read if you don’t, but that is the beginning of getting a style that you and your pocketbook will be proud of.

Here is the nutshell of Hi-Lo living; some things are worth the investment, others are definitely not. When you mix them well, all eyes go to the fab handbag and faultless shades…no one even thinks about the flip-flops.

SPEND IT!!

SAVE IT!!

Jeans- The right ones make your ass look awesome and people tend to   look at or ask about the label. Get a couple of great pairs, they will last   and you can rely on them. Patterned Jeans/Floral Jeans/Colored Jeans- Basically any trendy   jeans that will last only a season…get the cheapies that look good enough.
Handbags- People will notice a quality handbag and generally assume   that you have your shit together.  As   long as it is not a knock off LV from Chinatown…you are not fooling anyone   that would be worth fooling. Cami, T-Shirt, Tank Top- If they fit and are not cheesy, they’re   good! If your friends only wear James Perse, get new friends. For graphics I love All Saints, the cuts are fantastic and they are always on sale online.
Exercise Pants- Get ones that make you feel like leaving the house.   Lululemon; expensive but worth it. Exercise Tops- Whichever holds down the girls is good…it’s the pants   that matter!  If the gut is not good, please don’t show the gut.
Face Makeup- Take the time to get the perfect match for your skin with   your BB cream or foundation.  If you   want to look flawless in bright light go to a good department store (or Naime’s)   and have one applied to your face.  Try   a few different samples and wear them around for a day before you   decide.   I am also putting blush on this side- spend   the $30, it will last a year. Mascara, Eye Shadow, Bronzer- Drugstore is the way to go. As for lip   stuff (I am truly obsessed) and don’t find a huge difference between fancy   and economical. I can say that there is a deep-down girly satisfaction from   taking out a gorgeous designer tube at dinner to reapply…
Fine Jewelry- My only rule for this is that it makes you feel special   when you wear it, then it is worth it.    Jewels can also be reset and handed-down. Fashion Jewelry- Urban Outfitters has cool, edgy pieces and sometimes   Banana Rebublic.  If you are spending   more that $50 on some fake thing rethink how much use you get out of it   before it turns color.
Hair- It’s not about the money, it’s the quality.  They definitely do not go hand-in-hand but   don’t cheap out.  Ask around for a   great person and pay what they are worth.    Try to avoid Beverly Hills. Shoes- If shoes look good then they are good.  If they look good and are comfortable, then   they are great!!! Sure, get a pair of Louboutins or Manolos if that is your   thing but I would rather have 5 pairs of eye-catching stilettos than one with   a red sole.
Really Good Belt/Scarf/Sunglasses- Think Hermes, Gucci or Chanel and   you should have a few go-to great accessories. Any other Belt/Scarf/Sunglasses: Think Target, Banana Rebublic (on   sale), or my all time favorite-Loehmanns.

Spit, swallow, aim, share, gag?

This was originally a question in the “Ask the Unicorn” section but I was so inspired that I wanted to turn it in to a post. I promise to do a full blow job tutorial, but this is specifically about the ending. There are several ways to approach this and none of them are wrong. Most importantly for you to remember is that you are providing an invaluable service and if you get him to the point where cum is an issue then you have done an excellent job and you should be proud!!

In reviewing the options, it is clear that the Unicorn has only one option, swallowing. It is sexy, it is neat and it is nutritious. Not everyone needs to do it this way as men generally don’t give a shit as long as they don’t have to taste it or wear it. (Yes, there are HUGE exceptions to this…we’ll get there.)

So, if you are being so kind as to suck cock, simply say “Tell me when you are about to cum.”. Men think this is hot, and will gladly assist. It is now that you should decide what you want and make it clear. “Cum in my mouth”, “cum on my tits”, “cum on my face”, or “do you have a tissue” are all perfectly acceptable rejoinders at this point. Men simply want to cum and most are happy to be obedient.

Now for those tricky dicks, the ones who’ve seen too much teen porn or are looking for a cumfunnel may have some ideas that are contrary to your comfort zone- simply groan a few “ummm-hmms” like you are listening and aim his jiz right at his smug face. If it lands on his fancy Faconnable- even better.

Lastly, there are those dirty fuckers that want to taste their own love juice or spray it all over themselves. This is going to depend on if you are in a Jackson Pollock or Jamba Juice state of mind. NEVER feel bad about making a man cum.

OF COURSE, SIZE MATTERS!!

This can’t even be up for discussion anymore. I remember seeing those Cosmo articles in the 80’s…when I thought that Cosmo was readable and informative and thinking “are they kidding?” I hadn’t even seen a cock but I knew that I wanted a good one! I am going one step further here, I portend that the cock actually makes the man! Seriously, I have seen enough to know that I am not far off.

Nice guys have nice cocks.

REALLY nice guys have measly cocks.

Powerful men have powerful cocks, if you are doing a good job of making them feel powerful. If they are powerful assholes, please see below: “Motherfuckers” and adjust this definition accordingly.

Good artists have meaty cocks with nice fat heads that like to creatively poke you.

Insecure men have insecure cocks…but I love when this one surprises me. I like to call it an “UNDERCOVER BROTHA” because I am racist.

Athletes have sporty cocks…often crooked but well aimed.

Guys with any stupid accessory, including an overdone car, have small cocks- but they are usually very hard so the guy will tell you how HARD his cock is….don’t be fooled.

Motherfuckers think they have great cocks, they don’t. They will tell you how great they are, ask you to tell them how great they are, smack them on you, rub them in your face and try to make you gag by shoving them in your mouth to the back of your skull. If you are faced with one of these needle dicks, bite it off and feed it to your chihuahua.

Stupid men can go either way…I suggest starting with a smoky (BJ for you nubies) and if it’s bad, just zip right up and say “I just CAN’T do this!!” Because you can’t…it is bad for womankind for you to proceed. It’s non-union. It’s not challenging, it’s not fun, it’s not right.

I have noticed an epidemic lately, possibly a backlash of Viagra overuse? It’s the dreaded SPONGE COCK. It is particularly noticeable with a large member because when you unleash it your get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside like “Yay!! I got this!!” and you start stroking it, and sucking it and stroking it and sucking it and jacking it and pulling it and slapping it and biting it and yanking it and ripping it….and it stays the same. Chubby at best, but totally unfuckable. Ladies, it’s not you. Don’t let him reach for the cock ring. Tell him he needs to go to the doctor because a Unicorn told you that it is something going around. Then re-hook your bra and go home.

So my Unicorn posse, I ask you to evaluate if you have ever been stunned by a cock for any reason…and tell me, tell me, tell me!!!! Also add in hindsight if you missed something important about the character of the man holding the meat.

IT’S A #’s GAME

As a very busy Unicorn I don’t have much time to date so I must squeeze the men in where I can, like last Sunday. I’m sure that this tale will make you wonder all kinds of things about me and where I am meeting these lovely gents, so ask away and I will give you all the info I can without incriminating any of the creepy whackos directly.

So, it’s an easy Sunday, a little yoga then getting my nails done. I see that I got a few calls from a restricted # while in downward dog…and I check my messages to see that it’s the guy from that 80’s TV show that I took home and fucked last week after the auction. (The one advertised in the back of the newspaper “Seized Property, From the Honolulu Police Department! Jewels, Art, Other Crap!”) **If you are taking notes this is generally not a good place to meet men….but I was having a bit of an off day because I kind of got broken up with the night before by a guy that didn’t like my default dirty talk and insinuated I was a slut!! So, like I said, I was off and I wanted to get back on -apparently on anyone.

Auction guy asks to see me, like now, now-now, this minute now…awww…isn’t that nice? No, it’s not nice because he is a nutjob and asks me if I will take the AIDS test that he has in his Prius so he won’t be so worried about fucking me last week. Oy. I wasn’t concerned that I had AIDS, but didn’t think it was the worst idea I’d ever heard. Well, I took the test; in the Prius- Negative…guess it could have been worse??

Date #1, over. Home to primp for Date # 2. A new-age internet mogul who has several sites devoted to finding your bliss and all of that horseshit. I think it will be fun to make him squirm. He shows up in guess what a Prius!! (Oh, the memories…) Anyway, he is sick and tells me he was thinking of cancelling. Gee- that makes me just want to shine my little beam of happiness right up his ass!! SO WHY DIDN’T YOU CANCEL?? Driving 45 minutes to meet a sick dude in a Nyquil haze is not much better than an AIDS test in a hybrid! So, we decide to let him go home to bed but not before we discuss the possibilities of OMing together. That is Orgasm Meditation. He would rub my clit in a very professional way in a room full of strangers. I’m in.

Date #2, over. Home to lay down for a bit until #3 picks me up at 9PM. He is a giant man and deals diamonds. What is not to like?? Rumor has it that when he got up to go to the bathroom I followed him in, undid his belt and sucked on his not-nearly-as-big-as-I-had- hoped weenie.

Date #3, over.

HOW TO LOOK HOT

I am going to be honest with you here, because you need it. No man wants your wrecked-ass self. He may say that he likes you “without make-up” or he likes a “casual woman” and he may be being completely sincere, but men have been tricked by the media. If you believe him, then you are just being lazy and you will eventually end up in a Snuggie, alone. Let me make this clear; have you seen a tampon commercial?? Enough said. Men believe that while we are bleeding from our ({}) with cramps surging through our abdomen and a pounding headache that we want to dance the tango after hiking a mountain….and not sweating during either. So, I hope you see the great divide between what men think they want and what they actually want. It is your job to know the difference, but I will give you some basic translations that pertain to looks.

Men say Natural- think naturally fell out of a hair-color ad; not actually natural
Men say Casual- think tiny velour tracksuit; not weightwatchers anonymous
Men say Professional- tight pencil skirt, loose sexy bun, pointy heels and a lacy bra; not truly something you could work in
Men say Comfortable- something loose enough that when you bend over they can see your tits

There is a “too hot” for some guys or just plain old inappropriate and this can be a tricky tight rope for you tarts. Don’t wear your tallest heels if you need to WALK somewhere. Smart men will gather right away that you are stupid and easy. Don’t wear a thong that peeks out from your low-riders to meet his parents. Don’t wear a string bikini to the water park unless you are trying to marry one of Dog-the-Bounty-Hunters friends….in other words dress the part of the role you want to land.

Side note: You always look hotter in their kitchen.

12 STEPS TO MAKE A MAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

1. Look hot. He may like the “natural look” but that means he naturally wants you to look like one of those wholesome girls in the Victoria’s secret catalog…you know, the one wearing the full-back panties and v-neck sweater opened to the navel.

2. Touch him. Reach for his watch to check the time and slip your fingers on to the inside of his wrist, or just remove a crumb or some imaginary lint…reach out and do it sweetly, like you really care. I have yet to meet a man of any age who doesn’t accept an “innocent” shoulder rub…but I guarantee you he is thinking about how good your hands would feel other places.

3. Then compliment something- if his watch is cheap, skip that and tell him his skin feels nice and ask about his shower/lotion habits…if his muscles feel big under the lint- (good for you!!) tell him- and ask how he does it. If his sweater/jacket/shirt is shitty (reconsider who you want to fall in love with you) then tell him that your bestie runs the Barney’s men’s sale in NY and you can get him awesome deals. (Don’t worry; your imaginary friend can get fired.)

4. Listen to what he says. He will give you the play book…he is not a chick. If he likes surprises, surprise him. If he likes sports, so do you. If he likes to eat, you like to cook. If he likes to fuck around with his phone while he is with you, remind yourself that he is a douche, then compliment him on his work ethic.

5. Remember that all men are 15. Whatever a 15 year old boy would like…he will probably like. Same goes for the “not likes”. If you are confused, go back to step one and repeat.

6. Don’t be annoying. If you have to ask about this, you are being annoying.

7. Treat him like he is very smart, very funny and very good-looking…if you need to be critical, turn it into a back-handed compliment. (Oh, honey…I love that you want to wear board shorts to my best friend’s wedding, but your ass looks so great in those dress pants…let me get the iron!) Men are too busy thinking they are smart, funny and good-looking to realize.

8. Be nice. This is the hardest one for me…it’s easier for dumb girls. Really dumb girls can do his laundry too.

9. Make him wait a little, pretend you are not easy. Don’t kiss on the first date, don’t fuck until you are sure he is on the hook, and don’t call him for the first month. Men are hunters….don’t ever let them see the gun you are holding to the back of their heads.

10. No matter what, he has the most beautiful penis you have ever seen- you didn’t even know that a cock could be this magnificent. Feel free to wonder aloud about how any of his previous conquests could possibly survive without his love rod. (And he NEVER wants to hear about anyone else’s dick. EVER.)

11. Don’t make him meet your not-hot friends or your exasperating family until the absolute last acceptable time, if ever. Men like mystery.

12. My girl Abby threw this one in…. “Ignore him and date multiple men”. This is excellent advice, especially for those of you that tend to be needy. Be your barnacle-self to the ones you don’t really like so that you won’t be too irritating to the one that you do.