1. Look hot. He may like the “natural look” but that means he naturally wants you to look like one of those wholesome girls in the Victoria’s secret catalog…you know, the one wearing the full-back panties and v-neck sweater opened to the navel.

2. Touch him. Reach for his watch to check the time and slip your fingers on to the inside of his wrist, or just remove a crumb or some imaginary lint…reach out and do it sweetly, like you really care. I have yet to meet a man of any age who doesn’t accept an “innocent” shoulder rub…but I guarantee you he is thinking about how good your hands would feel other places.

3. Then compliment something- if his watch is cheap, skip that and tell him his skin feels nice and ask about his shower/lotion habits…if his muscles feel big under the lint- (good for you!!) tell him- and ask how he does it. If his sweater/jacket/shirt is shitty (reconsider who you want to fall in love with you) then tell him that your bestie runs the Barney’s men’s sale in NY and you can get him awesome deals. (Don’t worry; your imaginary friend can get fired.)

4. Listen to what he says. He will give you the play book…he is not a chick. If he likes surprises, surprise him. If he likes sports, so do you. If he likes to eat, you like to cook. If he likes to fuck around with his phone while he is with you, remind yourself that he is a douche, then compliment him on his work ethic.

5. Remember that all men are 15. Whatever a 15 year old boy would like…he will probably like. Same goes for the “not likes”. If you are confused, go back to step one and repeat.

6. Don’t be annoying. If you have to ask about this, you are being annoying.

7. Treat him like he is very smart, very funny and very good-looking…if you need to be critical, turn it into a back-handed compliment. (Oh, honey…I love that you want to wear board shorts to my best friend’s wedding, but your ass looks so great in those dress pants…let me get the iron!) Men are too busy thinking they are smart, funny and good-looking to realize.

8. Be nice. This is the hardest one for me…it’s easier for dumb girls. Really dumb girls can do his laundry too.

9. Make him wait a little, pretend you are not easy. Don’t kiss on the first date, don’t fuck until you are sure he is on the hook, and don’t call him for the first month. Men are hunters….don’t ever let them see the gun you are holding to the back of their heads.

10. No matter what, he has the most beautiful penis you have ever seen- you didn’t even know that a cock could be this magnificent. Feel free to wonder aloud about how any of his previous conquests could possibly survive without his love rod. (And he NEVER wants to hear about anyone else’s dick. EVER.)

11. Don’t make him meet your not-hot friends or your exasperating family until the absolute last acceptable time, if ever. Men like mystery.

12. My girl Abby threw this one in…. “Ignore him and date multiple men”. This is excellent advice, especially for those of you that tend to be needy. Be your barnacle-self to the ones you don’t really like so that you won’t be too irritating to the one that you do.


4 responses

  1. This is from a fan…very likely my first fan in LA- but that is a story for another time. “hey, so how would her highness adapt #9 for a guy you’ve been talking to, emailing, and texting for over six weeks and who lives in Boston and is thinking seriously about moving here. . . . . and he’s coming to town soon for four days on business and plans to spend a shitload of that time with you? And he’s staying at the Ritz.

    And my answer is…knowing you, you think you want this guy to move here with the possibility of falling madly in love with you- but is this what you really want?? I am going to help you lay the foundation so that what you want is what you get, not some stupid chick idea of what you and the rest of the Disney princesses want. What you most likey want is just him to want you….so you have the upperhand. Whether or not he moves here show the man a fucking good time. Yes, that generally includes a blowjob on the balcony. On the first night you are with him, follow the 12 steps….basically lots of caressing, flirting and coolness. WEAR THE MINISKIRT. IN FACT GET IT TAKEN UP….but be good for 24 hours. Tell him that you are a passionate woman but that the connection that you have been nurturing is important to you and you don’t want to rush and possibly have regrets. This way you put it on him- then let him talk, see where he is at…he will tell you. Then it is decision time, as you know I would fuck him anyway and probably let the maid video it and then upload on YouTube, but that’s me. If he doesn’t say what you hoped he would and you still want to fuck…I am all for it. If you don’t fuck him, the message is clear- he is fucked until he says what you need to hear. I need to come up with some Unicorn mantra here…let’s try “Don’t be too smart (or bossy, or demanding, or sarcastic, or intense) for your own good, be sexy and sweet.” Remember, sometimes you have to play the role to get the part.

  2. So, apparently my ex had no idea about these rules, especially #10. In fact, I was once complaining about how small my penis was and she said, “it’s small but at least it’s skinny”. I didn’t realize that wasn’t a compliment until a few months later.

  3. Kev, welcome!! I believe that you are the first man to comment on the Unicorn Tale! I’m sorry to hear that your cock is substandard and you have come to the wrong place for sympathy. My only suggestion is that you start dating Asians or children. Good luck!

  4. I love Asians. You never know if you’re gonna get a karate chop during the act. It’s always safe to assume the know some sort of martial arts.

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