OF COURSE, SIZE MATTERS!!

This can’t even be up for discussion anymore. I remember seeing those Cosmo articles in the 80’s…when I thought that Cosmo was readable and informative and thinking “are they kidding?” I hadn’t even seen a cock but I knew that I wanted a good one! I am going one step further here, I portend that the cock actually makes the man! Seriously, I have seen enough to know that I am not far off.

Nice guys have nice cocks.

REALLY nice guys have measly cocks.

Powerful men have powerful cocks, if you are doing a good job of making them feel powerful. If they are powerful assholes, please see below: “Motherfuckers” and adjust this definition accordingly.

Good artists have meaty cocks with nice fat heads that like to creatively poke you.

Insecure men have insecure cocks…but I love when this one surprises me. I like to call it an “UNDERCOVER BROTHA” because I am racist.

Athletes have sporty cocks…often crooked but well aimed.

Guys with any stupid accessory, including an overdone car, have small cocks- but they are usually very hard so the guy will tell you how HARD his cock is….don’t be fooled.

Motherfuckers think they have great cocks, they don’t. They will tell you how great they are, ask you to tell them how great they are, smack them on you, rub them in your face and try to make you gag by shoving them in your mouth to the back of your skull. If you are faced with one of these needle dicks, bite it off and feed it to your chihuahua.

Stupid men can go either way…I suggest starting with a smoky (BJ for you nubies) and if it’s bad, just zip right up and say “I just CAN’T do this!!” Because you can’t…it is bad for womankind for you to proceed. It’s non-union. It’s not challenging, it’s not fun, it’s not right.

I have noticed an epidemic lately, possibly a backlash of Viagra overuse? It’s the dreaded SPONGE COCK. It is particularly noticeable with a large member because when you unleash it your get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside like “Yay!! I got this!!” and you start stroking it, and sucking it and stroking it and sucking it and jacking it and pulling it and slapping it and biting it and yanking it and ripping it….and it stays the same. Chubby at best, but totally unfuckable. Ladies, it’s not you. Don’t let him reach for the cock ring. Tell him he needs to go to the doctor because a Unicorn told you that it is something going around. Then re-hook your bra and go home.

So my Unicorn posse, I ask you to evaluate if you have ever been stunned by a cock for any reason…and tell me, tell me, tell me!!!! Also add in hindsight if you missed something important about the character of the man holding the meat.

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