ASK THE UNICORN!

This is where you ask any question from mild to wild, and I will use my magical Unicorn powers to review and respond as inappropriately as possible.

19 responses

  1. 1.) What am I supposed to do with my pubic hair?? I’m 53 and am recently out of a 26-year marriage. I have to start getting naked again with men other than the one who has seen me all these years. Do I have to do crazy things to not seem old?”

    • I am so glad you asked! Let’s face it; nobody wants to see grey pubes. With that understood, the only rule that I insist on is “maintenance”. It’s simple, since you took the time to ask it is obvious that you will take the time for a once-over, you are golden!! For those of you that need it spelled out; if men care- they will make themselves clear, just ask. Most likely they don’t care and they want to imagine that you are not 53, so help them with the fantasy by not having a bush that grows out of your granny panties. 1. Make it a uniform color. 2. Trim to about an inch. 3. Shave the sides and top into a reasonable triangle. That’s all!! Unless you are very horny…then shave or wax the snatch bare and prepare to get rode hard.

    • Ah, love this question!! The Unicorn was recently broken up with because my “default dirty talk” was too raunchy!! I know!!! Hard to imagine…but as a dear friend said “once you break out the migets and prostitutes, where do you go from there?”. Point taken! The answer is simple; ask some probing questions and see what your man’s comfort level is. Try “would it turn you on to think that a beautiful girl was watching us?” or “tell me one of your fantasies” and go from there.

  2. My boyfriend always pees in front of me…and worse! I think it’s gross! But he says, “What’s the big deal? It’s natural.” Should couples have clear boundaries about things that go on in the bathroom?

    • If you said that your boyfriend peed ON you than this would be remotely interesting. As it is it stands, close the door! And take the giant stick out of your ass- preferably while your boyfriend watches.

      • I don’t know, Uni. I’m going to have to overrule you on this one. I believe in trying to keep things sexy, and that shit ain’t sexy. Do people pee and crap in front of each other when they’re trying to win each other over in the beginning? NO! So keep the standards high and try to keep some freaking mystery in a relationship. Proper Patty, try this, “Honey, after I’ve watched pee coming out of your dick, do you really think I’ll be more inclined to put that thing in my mouth?” Shut the door yourself, Romeo.

    • Terrible idea. The only reason that you are entertaining this thought is that you haven’t moved on- obviously! Just keep reminding yourself that you broke up for good reasons and those reasons are still valid. If you are feeling weak, buy a new sex toy and use it. If you need to have sex with a man, join AshleyMadison.com and have sex with someone else’s husband until you get your shit together enough to have your own man. Don’t live in the past and avoid country music.

  3. Dear Uni,
    I’m so self conscious when I’m naked. I could probably stand to lose about 10 or 15 pounds, and I’m not that tall which makes it worse. I always read that men don’t care–they just love having a naked body next to them. And I’ve also read that they’d rather be with an average bodied chick who’s confident than a hot-bodied chick who’s insecure. Do you think that’s bullshit?

  4. Wait, I’m confused…are you the confident, chunky one? If you’re confident then why are you “so self conscious”? The only one that needs to be comfortable with your body is you and obviously you are not, so fix it with the myriad options available.

    As for men, they don’t want a naked body next to them. They want it under them or on top of them, and they are not all that picky. Accentuate the positive, wear a veiled item over the negative, put on some cookie-dough flavored lotion and light the candles.

  5. Dear Uni,
    With the Superbowl craziness going on, I’ve been wondering, how many of my boyfriend’s interests do I have to pretend to be interested in?
    Trying

    • Okay, it’s been a month since this question was asked and you’ve probably broken up already, which is fine as there are always more fish in the sea. Generally speaking only pretend in bed. If you are faking out of bed you will be angry all of the time and then you’ll have to fake that you are nice too. Seriously, here is the deal: let’s pretend that you are an empty bowl of chips. The bowl gets filled when you take care of yourself and do things you enjoy; the bowl gets emptied when your fat fuck boyfriend is stuffing his face. Well, you get the idea.

  6. Dear Unicorn. I’ve read about these workshops for giving head. I think I’m good at it, but maybe I’m too basic. Do you think the classes are worth attending? Or maybe you have some tips?

    • The Unicorn has thought of teaching such a class. Here is ask you need to know: you must love the cock. Simple right? Well, not for me as it involves the cock being on the large side, well-proportioned and very happy to see me, always. If you have this trifecta then open wide, cover your teeth with your lips and try your very best to get it all down your throat. If you don’t succeed, he’ll like the gagging and spit production. If you just can’t go deep, focus on the rim of the head with your lips and work the base by making the “Ok” sign with both hands, placing the shaft in the “o” part and work it like you’re pumping water from the well. Go, Laura Ingalls, go.

  7. Dear Unicorn,
    What should I do about this guy who wants me to convert to Judaism? Isn’t it kind of stupid to just suddenly start calling myself a Jew?
    SS

    • Again, sorry for the painfully late answer. Blow his mind like only a shiska can…and I mean blow…and he’ll forget about it. Trust me on this…The Unicorn loves Jesus and if you knew my last name you’d choke on your eucharist.

    • I have been such a naughty Unicorn! I realize now that it’s been over a year since I gave a shit about this blog. My sincerest apologies, RC. Now, someone else might tell you that sex isn’t the end-all-be-all…but they are lying. Masturbating, and muff-diving are the only other things that I can think of and they, in combination, can last a month maximum. A nice stiff cock is relatively easy to come by if you let go of all of the nonsense you have been taught your entire life about sex needing to be more than sex. A hard cock is therapeutic, invigorating and necessary…stop making lame excuses and go get some. In the case that you are already salt, fuck off, the Unicorn has high blood pressure. Ta-ta!

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