Hi-Lo Unicorn Style

From my posts thus far you may think that I spend all of my time flat on my back with my hoofs in the air….well- not so! I have a very full life that includes; dining, shopping, beauty/spa treatments, reading, hanging with friends and caring for a fashionable filly and energetic colt. It is my deepest desire to impart hard-won Unicorn wisdom on all fronts and today I had a wonderful visit with an old friend, Target. I left with armfuls of stuff and a renewed joy for the ultimate in fashion frivolity! A few built-in bra cami’s ($8) with matching thin-knit boyfriend cardi’s ($19.99); a long flowing floral scarf in a soft, silk-like material ($14.99); an emerald-colored skinny belt ($12.99) and my spring is off to a bloomingly frugal start. Target is smart enough to rip-off runway trends then merchandise them to you in a coordinated way. Think “adult Garanamals”.

Now, please don’t be silly enough to think that I look like I shop at Target, because THAT is the trick. You must mix and match all of your Hi-Lo items in a way that people are amazed when you tell them that this or that is from Target or JCP (yes, I do JCP too!!!) You need to know your body and what looks good as well as colors that work. There are so many articles to read if you don’t, but that is the beginning of getting a style that you and your pocketbook will be proud of.

Here is the nutshell of Hi-Lo living; some things are worth the investment, others are definitely not. When you mix them well, all eyes go to the fab handbag and faultless shades…no one even thinks about the flip-flops.

SPEND IT!!

SAVE IT!!

Jeans– The right ones make your ass look awesome and people tend to   look at or ask about the label. Get a couple of great pairs, they will last   and you can rely on them. Patterned Jeans/Floral Jeans/Colored Jeans– Basically any trendy   jeans that will last only a season…get the cheapies that look good enough.
Handbags– People will notice a quality handbag and generally assume   that you have your shit together.  As   long as it is not a knock off LV from Chinatown…you are not fooling anyone   that would be worth fooling. Cami, T-Shirt, Tank Top– If they fit and are not cheesy, they’re   good! If your friends only wear James Perse, get new friends. For graphics I love All Saints, the cuts are fantastic and they are always on sale online.
Exercise Pants– Get ones that make you feel like leaving the house.   Lululemon; expensive but worth it. Exercise Tops– Whichever holds down the girls is good…it’s the pants   that matter!  If the gut is not good, please don’t show the gut.
Face Makeup– Take the time to get the perfect match for your skin with   your BB cream or foundation.  If you   want to look flawless in bright light go to a good department store (or Naime’s)   and have one applied to your face.  Try   a few different samples and wear them around for a day before you   decide.   I am also putting blush on this side- spend   the $30, it will last a year. Mascara, Eye Shadow, Bronzer– Drugstore is the way to go. As for lip   stuff (I am truly obsessed) and don’t find a huge difference between fancy   and economical. I can say that there is a deep-down girly satisfaction from   taking out a gorgeous designer tube at dinner to reapply…
Fine Jewelry– My only rule for this is that it makes you feel special   when you wear it, then it is worth it.    Jewels can also be reset and handed-down. Fashion Jewelry– Urban Outfitters has cool, edgy pieces and sometimes   Banana Rebublic.  If you are spending   more that $50 on some fake thing rethink how much use you get out of it   before it turns color.
Hair– It’s not about the money, it’s the quality.  They definitely do not go hand-in-hand but   don’t cheap out.  Ask around for a   great person and pay what they are worth.    Try to avoid Beverly Hills. Shoes– If shoes look good then they are good.  If they look good and are comfortable, then   they are great!!! Sure, get a pair of Louboutins or Manolos if that is your   thing but I would rather have 5 pairs of eye-catching stilettos than one with   a red sole.
Really Good Belt/Scarf/Sunglasses– Think Hermes, Gucci or Chanel and   you should have a few go-to great accessories. Any other Belt/Scarf/Sunglasses: Think Target, Banana Rebublic (on   sale), or my all time favorite-Loehmanns.

OF COURSE, SIZE MATTERS!!

This can’t even be up for discussion anymore. I remember seeing those Cosmo articles in the 80’s…when I thought that Cosmo was readable and informative and thinking “are they kidding?” I hadn’t even seen a cock but I knew that I wanted a good one! I am going one step further here, I portend that the cock actually makes the man! Seriously, I have seen enough to know that I am not far off.

Nice guys have nice cocks.

REALLY nice guys have measly cocks.

Powerful men have powerful cocks, if you are doing a good job of making them feel powerful. If they are powerful assholes, please see below: “Motherfuckers” and adjust this definition accordingly.

Good artists have meaty cocks with nice fat heads that like to creatively poke you.

Insecure men have insecure cocks…but I love when this one surprises me. I like to call it an “UNDERCOVER BROTHA” because I am racist.

Athletes have sporty cocks…often crooked but well aimed.

Guys with any stupid accessory, including an overdone car, have small cocks- but they are usually very hard so the guy will tell you how HARD his cock is….don’t be fooled.

Motherfuckers think they have great cocks, they don’t. They will tell you how great they are, ask you to tell them how great they are, smack them on you, rub them in your face and try to make you gag by shoving them in your mouth to the back of your skull. If you are faced with one of these needle dicks, bite it off and feed it to your chihuahua.

Stupid men can go either way…I suggest starting with a smoky (BJ for you nubies) and if it’s bad, just zip right up and say “I just CAN’T do this!!” Because you can’t…it is bad for womankind for you to proceed. It’s non-union. It’s not challenging, it’s not fun, it’s not right.

I have noticed an epidemic lately, possibly a backlash of Viagra overuse? It’s the dreaded SPONGE COCK. It is particularly noticeable with a large member because when you unleash it your get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside like “Yay!! I got this!!” and you start stroking it, and sucking it and stroking it and sucking it and jacking it and pulling it and slapping it and biting it and yanking it and ripping it….and it stays the same. Chubby at best, but totally unfuckable. Ladies, it’s not you. Don’t let him reach for the cock ring. Tell him he needs to go to the doctor because a Unicorn told you that it is something going around. Then re-hook your bra and go home.

So my Unicorn posse, I ask you to evaluate if you have ever been stunned by a cock for any reason…and tell me, tell me, tell me!!!! Also add in hindsight if you missed something important about the character of the man holding the meat.

HOW TO LOOK HOT

I am going to be honest with you here, because you need it. No man wants your wrecked-ass self. He may say that he likes you “without make-up” or he likes a “casual woman” and he may be being completely sincere, but men have been tricked by the media. If you believe him, then you are just being lazy and you will eventually end up in a Snuggie, alone. Let me make this clear; have you seen a tampon commercial?? Enough said. Men believe that while we are bleeding from our ({}) with cramps surging through our abdomen and a pounding headache that we want to dance the tango after hiking a mountain….and not sweating during either. So, I hope you see the great divide between what men think they want and what they actually want. It is your job to know the difference, but I will give you some basic translations that pertain to looks.

Men say Natural- think naturally fell out of a hair-color ad; not actually natural
Men say Casual- think tiny velour tracksuit; not weightwatchers anonymous
Men say Professional- tight pencil skirt, loose sexy bun, pointy heels and a lacy bra; not truly something you could work in
Men say Comfortable- something loose enough that when you bend over they can see your tits

There is a “too hot” for some guys or just plain old inappropriate and this can be a tricky tight rope for you tarts. Don’t wear your tallest heels if you need to WALK somewhere. Smart men will gather right away that you are stupid and easy. Don’t wear a thong that peeks out from your low-riders to meet his parents. Don’t wear a string bikini to the water park unless you are trying to marry one of Dog-the-Bounty-Hunters friends….in other words dress the part of the role you want to land.

Side note: You always look hotter in their kitchen.