Don’t hate us cause you anus. Yes, I’ve been reading Urban Dictionary.

Happy New Year!  I realize that I’m 18 days late, but I always go with “better late than never”.  Always.  Unless I go with “it’s too late now, so fuck it”.  Consider yourselves lucky that I’m going with the former.

The fact is that the Unicorn has missed you and missed writing this blog.  Here’s what happened:  I stopped dating and fucking multiple strangers that I met online and I didn’t know what to write about.  Now that I’ve come to senses I’ve realized that I am inherently interesting and there is always some clown show happening that is worth sharing.

This post will be an eclectic mix of what you have to look forward to reading Unicorn Tale.  If I’m writing about people I’ll shoot for funny, just short of insulting…but I may miss.  I’ve decided to also tell you what beauty/household/food products I have found life-changing, or at least that don’t completely suck.  There will be no cute-pet, cute-baby, cute-anal sex videos AT ALL.  I don’t do cute.  Lastly, this forum may be used to discuss what assholes my offspring can be.

To begin with, The Unicorn loves the internet.  It is truly a mad love affair of shopping, watching, reading, listening….from porn to pus (yes, I watch a good cyst from time to time) to pot brownie recipes.  I am enthralled with its vast wonders.  That said, don’t you think that all of the “likes”, “hits”, “pins”, “tweets” etc. are just going to amount to a steaming pile of shit in our lifetimes?  Seriously, isn’t there a number so high that it completely looses whatever specialness it once had?  Did you notice how RE-tweeted, RE-pinned, RE-shared and RE-tarded are all sounding the same?  Kim’s ass broke the internet!  Who the fuck cares? Really who?  Not me.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say our kids will grow up and look back on what ridiculous nerds we were for thinking that any of that stuff mattered.  I don’t know what is next, but I’m betting it will be anonymous voyeurism…

Next up:  Fuck you and your cholesterol.  Eggs are great and expensive eggs are the best.  If you’ve been wondering if that seven dollar carton is worth it, I’m here to tell you it totally is.  The eggs from Vital Farms are my favorites because the box is pretty in a snobby “my eggs are better than your eggs” way and they taste amazing.  I have two over easy every day, yes- every single day and they are so god-dammed yummy that I lick the yolk off the plate like only a Unicorn can.  Save up, and go get some.http://vitalfarms.com/pasture-raised-eggs/our-eggs/#backyardbirds

I’d like to end on a high note and tell you why, if you have kids, you should get a divorce.  It is the best thing since sliced olives, which are much harder to cut than bread.  My little fuckers have been sick for the past few days and it is a nightmare of epic proportions.  As their mother you have to do all of the shit that you try and avoid doing when they are well, like playing their stupid imaginary bullshit games with them.  AND you have to be nice about it, because they are sick.  So just when I was about to hit my absolute limit of cooking, cleaning puke, reading books, playing cards, playing toys, playing dolls, wiping asses….it’s Daddy’s Day!!!  (Cue crying kids)

But they can cry all they want now, because it is not my problem.  It is DDay and the Unicorn is happy.

Here is the thing you learned today: (_x_) That is the symbol for “kiss my ass.”

Thank you for taking me back into the fold of your bosom, I’m shooting for bi-monthly…but you’d be stupid to count on it.  Love ya!

Spit, swallow, aim, share, gag?

This was originally a question in the “Ask the Unicorn” section but I was so inspired that I wanted to turn it in to a post. I promise to do a full blow job tutorial, but this is specifically about the ending. There are several ways to approach this and none of them are wrong. Most importantly for you to remember is that you are providing an invaluable service and if you get him to the point where cum is an issue then you have done an excellent job and you should be proud!!

In reviewing the options, it is clear that the Unicorn has only one option, swallowing. It is sexy, it is neat and it is nutritious. Not everyone needs to do it this way as men generally don’t give a shit as long as they don’t have to taste it or wear it. (Yes, there are HUGE exceptions to this…we’ll get there.)

So, if you are being so kind as to suck cock, simply say “Tell me when you are about to cum.”. Men think this is hot, and will gladly assist. It is now that you should decide what you want and make it clear. “Cum in my mouth”, “cum on my tits”, “cum on my face”, or “do you have a tissue” are all perfectly acceptable rejoinders at this point. Men simply want to cum and most are happy to be obedient.

Now for those tricky dicks, the ones who’ve seen too much teen porn or are looking for a cumfunnel may have some ideas that are contrary to your comfort zone- simply groan a few “ummm-hmms” like you are listening and aim his jiz right at his smug face. If it lands on his fancy Faconnable- even better.

Lastly, there are those dirty fuckers that want to taste their own love juice or spray it all over themselves. This is going to depend on if you are in a Jackson Pollock or Jamba Juice state of mind. NEVER feel bad about making a man cum.