OF COURSE, SIZE MATTERS!!

This can’t even be up for discussion anymore. I remember seeing those Cosmo articles in the 80’s…when I thought that Cosmo was readable and informative and thinking “are they kidding?” I hadn’t even seen a cock but I knew that I wanted a good one! I am going one step further here, I portend that the cock actually makes the man! Seriously, I have seen enough to know that I am not far off.

Nice guys have nice cocks.

REALLY nice guys have measly cocks.

Powerful men have powerful cocks, if you are doing a good job of making them feel powerful. If they are powerful assholes, please see below: “Motherfuckers” and adjust this definition accordingly.

Good artists have meaty cocks with nice fat heads that like to creatively poke you.

Insecure men have insecure cocks…but I love when this one surprises me. I like to call it an “UNDERCOVER BROTHA” because I am racist.

Athletes have sporty cocks…often crooked but well aimed.

Guys with any stupid accessory, including an overdone car, have small cocks- but they are usually very hard so the guy will tell you how HARD his cock is….don’t be fooled.

Motherfuckers think they have great cocks, they don’t. They will tell you how great they are, ask you to tell them how great they are, smack them on you, rub them in your face and try to make you gag by shoving them in your mouth to the back of your skull. If you are faced with one of these needle dicks, bite it off and feed it to your chihuahua.

Stupid men can go either way…I suggest starting with a smoky (BJ for you nubies) and if it’s bad, just zip right up and say “I just CAN’T do this!!” Because you can’t…it is bad for womankind for you to proceed. It’s non-union. It’s not challenging, it’s not fun, it’s not right.

I have noticed an epidemic lately, possibly a backlash of Viagra overuse? It’s the dreaded SPONGE COCK. It is particularly noticeable with a large member because when you unleash it your get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside like “Yay!! I got this!!” and you start stroking it, and sucking it and stroking it and sucking it and jacking it and pulling it and slapping it and biting it and yanking it and ripping it….and it stays the same. Chubby at best, but totally unfuckable. Ladies, it’s not you. Don’t let him reach for the cock ring. Tell him he needs to go to the doctor because a Unicorn told you that it is something going around. Then re-hook your bra and go home.

So my Unicorn posse, I ask you to evaluate if you have ever been stunned by a cock for any reason…and tell me, tell me, tell me!!!! Also add in hindsight if you missed something important about the character of the man holding the meat.

12 STEPS TO MAKE A MAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

1. Look hot. He may like the “natural look” but that means he naturally wants you to look like one of those wholesome girls in the Victoria’s secret catalog…you know, the one wearing the full-back panties and v-neck sweater opened to the navel.

2. Touch him. Reach for his watch to check the time and slip your fingers on to the inside of his wrist, or just remove a crumb or some imaginary lint…reach out and do it sweetly, like you really care. I have yet to meet a man of any age who doesn’t accept an “innocent” shoulder rub…but I guarantee you he is thinking about how good your hands would feel other places.

3. Then compliment something- if his watch is cheap, skip that and tell him his skin feels nice and ask about his shower/lotion habits…if his muscles feel big under the lint- (good for you!!) tell him- and ask how he does it. If his sweater/jacket/shirt is shitty (reconsider who you want to fall in love with you) then tell him that your bestie runs the Barney’s men’s sale in NY and you can get him awesome deals. (Don’t worry; your imaginary friend can get fired.)

4. Listen to what he says. He will give you the play book…he is not a chick. If he likes surprises, surprise him. If he likes sports, so do you. If he likes to eat, you like to cook. If he likes to fuck around with his phone while he is with you, remind yourself that he is a douche, then compliment him on his work ethic.

5. Remember that all men are 15. Whatever a 15 year old boy would like…he will probably like. Same goes for the “not likes”. If you are confused, go back to step one and repeat.

6. Don’t be annoying. If you have to ask about this, you are being annoying.

7. Treat him like he is very smart, very funny and very good-looking…if you need to be critical, turn it into a back-handed compliment. (Oh, honey…I love that you want to wear board shorts to my best friend’s wedding, but your ass looks so great in those dress pants…let me get the iron!) Men are too busy thinking they are smart, funny and good-looking to realize.

8. Be nice. This is the hardest one for me…it’s easier for dumb girls. Really dumb girls can do his laundry too.

9. Make him wait a little, pretend you are not easy. Don’t kiss on the first date, don’t fuck until you are sure he is on the hook, and don’t call him for the first month. Men are hunters….don’t ever let them see the gun you are holding to the back of their heads.

10. No matter what, he has the most beautiful penis you have ever seen- you didn’t even know that a cock could be this magnificent. Feel free to wonder aloud about how any of his previous conquests could possibly survive without his love rod. (And he NEVER wants to hear about anyone else’s dick. EVER.)

11. Don’t make him meet your not-hot friends or your exasperating family until the absolute last acceptable time, if ever. Men like mystery.

12. My girl Abby threw this one in…. “Ignore him and date multiple men”. This is excellent advice, especially for those of you that tend to be needy. Be your barnacle-self to the ones you don’t really like so that you won’t be too irritating to the one that you do.